It's Kind of a Funny Story
by TheNewIdea
Summary: Timothy McGee, Ziva David and Anthony DiNozzo walked in to work with their usual dispositions. They didn't expect an alien in the NCIS building, let alone a Decepticon with a ridiculous name. At first everything seems fine, relatively, but these are the Decepticons we're talking about. But then again, there's that old saying: More than meets the eye.
1. The Coffee Machine Is Talking to You

**This is a work of fiction. It is not following any canon, that of NCIS or Transformers. It is purely a story made for entertainment purposes.**

**Has nothing to do with It's Kind of a Funny Story, the film or the book. I just liked the title.**

**Also, anyone who has read "Another Ordinary Day" by me, this story is serious (in it's own nature) and is closer to the characters.**

Chapter One

The Coffee Machine is Talking to You

New Year's Eve

The NCIS Building was dark and empty, everyone having gone home to celebrate the New Year. In the main room, a small and seemingly insignificant ruffle could be heard, accompanied by the sound of what at first listen, was a small motor.

A zapping sound, like that of an electric shock, echoed throughout the room. A soft chuckle, it was of the mischievous kind. Soon after this, silence filled the room, it was dead and foreboding.

* * *

The next morning, Timothy McGee, Ziva David and Anthony DiNozzo walked in to work with their usual dispositions. McGee was particularly cheerful, for New Years, and any holiday for that matter, was always a good time for him. Ziva was seemingly indifferent, but for the most like McGee, cheerful. Tony wasn't in a particularly good mood, mostly because the night before his wallet was stolen, as well as his car, making it for a not so happy morning walk on the way to work in the rainy and cold weather.

McGee and Tony sat at their desks while Ziva made her way to the bathroom. Tony opened a newspaper and turned to the sports section. McGee reached for the coffee maker under his desk and a Styrofoam cup that he kept next to the machine and made himself some coffee. He could swear that he heard a strange sound coming from it; he could also swear that the coffee from the machine looked and smelled like urine. McGee assumed this to be a joke from Tony and so turned towards him.

"Did you do this?" he asked, more curious than annoyed

"Do what?" Tony replied looking up from his newspaper

McGee handed the cup to Tony, who looked at it and furrowed his face in disgust

"Did you piss in your cup McGee?" Tony exclaimed, "It's no shame if you did. It happens but when you do, you don't have to show it to me."

Ziva came back from the bathroom and sat at her desk. Almost immediately Ziva smelled the coffee and had half an urge to throw up breakfast, for it was already turning sour. McGee had a roll of foil that he kept under his desk and so to prevent further incident, wrapped the cup in foil and placed it on his desk. When this was done, McGee unplugged the coffee machine and walked over to the window with full intention of throwing the coffee machine into the parking lot for the garbage to pick up later.

McGee opened the window and chucked the machine out the window. It was then that he heard a shrill and terrified voice.

"Hey!" it screamed," A little help here?"

McGee looked around and saw nothing; he looked out the window, trying to see if anyone could be making the noise. He found nothing. Then McGee took a second look.

Hanging on the window, which opened was perpendicular to the building when opened, was a small robot. It had small beady red eyes, wheels that served as feet and a triangular shaped face. Its eyebrows were shaped like solar panels although they obviously weren't. Its hands were not like that of a human, having four fingers instead of the five.

"Hey, you!" the robot screamed as he turned towards McGee," Give a Decepticon a hand here?"

McGee had absolutely no idea what a Decepticon was but he had a feeling that it wasn't good. Still, he thought, it seemed harmless enough.

"Do you need some help?" McGee asked redundantly

"Me?" The robot answered sarcastically, "No, I like hanging precariously off the side of buildings!"

McGee got the hint and slowly closed the window, allowing the robot to climb up and eventually slide to safety into the room. The robot looked around and noticed the large amount of people and immediately scanned the room.

"Damn" he cursed to himself, "Nothing..."

"What exactly are you?" McGee asked as he looked around making sure that no one was watching

The robot looked up at McGee and made his way towards McGee's desk nonchalantly. McGee followed him, only to find when he got back to his desk that the robot was gone, strangely a blue mug that was identical to Gibbs' was sitting on McGee's desk. At that moment, Gibbs walked by holding his mug. Gibbs turned to the screen in the middle of the four desks and looked at his team.

"What have we got on the Landon case?" Gibbs asked searching for details

Tony and Ziva did a few things on their computer, in an instant; a map of Colorado appeared, as well as a photo ID of Landon, a Caucasian male of about 45 years of age. Landon wore the 1970's creepy rapist glasses, you know the kind, the kind that just scream "I own a white van, wear Hawaiian shirts every day and pretend to be an ice cream man" type of glasses.

"Jonathan Landon" Ziva began, "Wanted on seven accounts of child molestation, fleeing from the police..."

Tony butted in, "Boss why did we take this case?"

Gibbs turned sharply towards Tony, "Because Vance asked us to" he answered, "Landon killed the son of a marine, a 10 year old boy DiNozzo." That still didn't change the fact that technically it wasn't an NCIS case, more of a police matter than anything else, but still they were following the Director's orders and if it was one thing that they learned it was if the Director tells you to do something you do it-period.

For his part, McGee began looking through Landon's phone records and computer use to start and get a track on him.

Gibbs went downstairs to see Abby.

No sooner did Gibbs leave did the blue coffee mug on McGee's desk revert back to the robot.

"Well that guy's cheery isn't he?" he said to no one in particular.

Tony, without so much as looking in McGee's general direction answered him, "Gibbs is just having a bad day McGee" Tony began, "It happens."

The robot laughed and shook his head, "Bad day! If that's what a bad day is I'd like to see him during the End of the World. I bet he's as right as rain then."

Tony finally turned towards McGee's desk and saw the robot that was standing across from him and screamed.

"What the hell is that thing!" he cried, "McGee! L-l-look!"

McGee looked to his right, having completely forgotten about his previous interaction and had almost exactly the same reaction as Tony, one of shock and utter terror.

Ziva looked up to see what the commotion was about to find Tony and McGee almost whimpering in fear over a seemingly harmless thing. Then she gave a second look and hoped to God that she was imagining things. As a precaution she grabbed the lamp desk and threw it at the robot's direction, only for the robot to duck and the lamp to hit McGee.

The robot looked at Ziva and laughed, "Oh you're hot sweetheart but you ain't too bright."

Ziva stood up straight; there was no way that she was going to be intimidated by whatever this thing was.

"You just made war with me" the robot continued, "And if it's one thing that you never do, it's make war with Wheelie!"

Tony, McGee and Ziva looked at each other and then at the robot, all fear had left them at the mentioning of the name, it having been replaced with stifled laughter.

"I'm sorry" Ziva replied, "But there's no way that I can take you seriously with a name like that."

Tony nodded in agreement, "Seriously who named you that?"

Wheelie groaned annoyingly, "It's not funny!" he cried, "I am a member of a highly intelligent alien race, capable of many-" Wheelie's right eye fell off, killing the moment for him. Wheelie comically began feeling for his eye with his right hand, Ziva, who was closest, picked up the eye and handed it back to him. "Thank you" Wheelie said breaking away from his rant only to immediately get back to it, skipping a few words due to his lost train of thought. "And I will not be humiliated!"

Tony shook his head and wiped his eyes free of tears, he had been laughing so hard, "Listen probie..."

Wheelie, at hearing the word probie immediately became tense; his first thought came to the anal probe that Megatron, his superior, had given him as punishment once. It was an experience that he tried to block out as best he could. At the same time Wheelie also thought that the word probie meant that Tony expected him to start giving anal probes.

"Look here pretty boy" Wheelie replied defensively, "I ain't no pervert, not like that guy-" Wheelie gestured to Landon's picture, "I'm just a normal, everyday Decepticon." Wheelie stopped himself at this point, for he was afraid that he had already said too much and didn't want to compromise his position.

Tony turned to McGee, his face in complete disbelief. Tony leaned in, "Can you believe this guy Tim?" Tony asked, McGee stifled a second laugh, "No" he answered, "It's kinda sad really."

Tony turned back to Wheelie, "Look here probie-" he began again.

Wheelie ran over and kicked Tony in the foot before he pulled out his knife and electrical tools and began to attack him; Tony picked him up before he could even so much as swing and kicked Wheelie across the room. "Damn you!" Wheelie screamed as he sailed through the air and landed in the garbage can, causing Tony and McGee to laugh hysterically, Tony more so than McGee, who was in truth only mildly amused.

Ziva rolled her eyes, "Barbarians" she said to herself. Ziva made her way over to the garbage can where she found Wheelie, rather pitifully, climbing out of the garbage pulling discarded tissues and a banana peel off of himself.

"You okay?" Ziva asked as she picked Wheelie up and set him on the ground

"Yeah" Wheelie answered, his voice sounding hurt and as if he were about to cry, "I'm fine."

Ziva crossed her arms, "No you're not" she replied, "You're hurt"

"On the outside" Wheelie lied, "Bastard broke my wheel!" Wheelie lifted up his left leg, his wheel was slightly misshapen but otherwise perfectly fine.

"You are a terrible lair" Ziva continued

Wheelie growled in an attempt to get Ziva to back off, which she did. Ziva saw no reason to argue over Wheelie's emotions, which at the moment were a pent up confused mess, and so left the Decepticon alone.

Gibbs walked back into the main room just as Ziva returned her desk; Wheelie transformed back into his disguise.

"Tony" Gibbs said as he headed towards the door, Tony knew that this meant that he was leaving and so immediately grabbed his coat, his badge and his gun without so much as a word. Gibbs accidentally tripped over Wheelie, who stirred a little bit, causing Tony to quickly cover it up.

"Sorry boss" Tony said, "McGee's been working on this new camera, really, really small thing, used for stealth missions things like that. He was just testing it, weren't you McGee?"

Tony gave McGee a look that told him to go along with it, McGee nodded in agreement. Gibbs stood up, huffed and shot both Tony and McGee glaring looks, "Stop playing around and do your damn jobs!" he barked. Tony simply nodded and followed Gibbs down the elevator to the parking garage.

Wheelie nervously reverted into robot form; he was shaking a bit out of fear of Gibbs' voice. He moved back to the center of the four desks and turned to McGee, who remained strangely calm.

"Is he always like that?" Wheelie asked, hoping that McGee would say otherwise. McGee smiled, it was the smile that told Wheelie that everything was going to be okay, "It's like Tony said" McGee answered," Gibbs is just having a bad day."

Ziva nodded and immediately had an idea. "Hey Wheelie, let's go see Abby." Wheelie stared at her as if she were mentally insane, "If she doesn't cheer you up no one will" Ziva continued. Wheelie was partially offended for he wasn't necessarily sad and thus, in his mind, didn't need cheering up. Wheelie, for the sake of himself, decided to go along with it.

Wheelie then remembered something, he laughed the more he thought about it. "I never did get your names" he said to no one in particular, McGee rolled his eyes for technically Wheelie should've caught on, but he also understood the need to have the formal greeting. McGee walked over to Wheelie, knelled down and extended his hand for a handshake, which Wheelie took with a surprisingly strong grip as if he were a politician.

"Timothy McGee" he said with a smile. Ziva gave him the same satisfaction, "Ziva David." Wheelie nodded, putting the names in his database so that he would never forget them. Ziva and Wheelie then made their way down to Abby while McGee continued with his work.


	2. Did You Hear?

Chapter Two

Did You Hear the One about the Decepticon, the Forensic Specialist and the Israeli?

Wheelie, to avoid scaring people, transformed into his truck and casually rolled next to Ziva, who walked with a stride that spoke of confidence and resilience. On the way to Abby's lab, they passed by autopsy and accidentally ran into Palmer. In Wheelie's case, he literally ran into Palmer, who was carrying a tray of recently acquired surgical tools for Doctor Mallard, and would've dropped them all over the floor and possibly impaled Wheelie had Ziva not interacted at the last second.

"Thanks Ziva" Palmer said as he steadied himself, "I guess I just lost my balance."

"Not really-" Ziva started to say, before she was cut off by Wheelie ramming into her leg, "I mean" she covered, "It happens to the best of us right?"

Palmer nodded, "I suppose so" he replied as he walked past, "Any way, have a nice David, see you at the bar later?"

Ziva ignored him, for she made a point never to talk about the bar during work hours. Ziva and Wheelie continued towards Abby's lab. When Wheelie was far enough away, he reverted back to his robotic form.

"When it comes to me Agent David" Wheelie began, "I don't exist, understand?"

Ziva looked down at him curiously, "And why is that?"

Wheelie sighed reluctantly, "Ever heard of Sector Seven?"

Ziva shook her head

"Exactly" Wheelie continued, "Sector Seven was the organization that didn't exist. Their job was to capture and detain Autobots, Decepticons and anyone who had any information on em. An organization that I'm told, NCIS had a piece in."

Ziva stopped walking and faced Wheelie directly, "What are you talking about?" Ziva asked, "I've never heard of such an organization? There are no secrets in these walls that agents don't know about."

Wheelie laughed, not believing Ziva's statement, "I knew I was right when I said you weren't bright. It's either that or you're the smartest girl I've ever met and are just really good at playing the dumb card."

Ziva said nothing

"So which is it?" Wheelie continued

"Which is what?" Ziva replied, extremely confused by his meaning

Wheelie slapped himself out of pity and shook his head in disbelief, "You ain't bright or you're playing with me sweetheart, you can't be doin' both. Now which one are you doing?"

Ziva huffed, "I don't have to answer that question."

Wheelie laughed again, this time it was warmer, they continued walking, "Ah, yes you do. If you want my help you have to answer."

Ziva stopped again; they were now standing in front of Abby's door. "Help" she said, "What kind of help did you offer?"

Wheelie did not answer her and immediately dropped the subject, for now he had said too much.

_"Entry #476"_ Wheelie began in his database, _"Humans are smarter than you think. Don't underestimate them. Keep a close eye on David, she's asking questions. Tony is questionable. McGee is harmless. Palmer is a liability until further notice. Abby remains to be seen. Observe and report to Starscream as soon available. Avoid Gibbs and this "Vance" character at all costs unless absolutely necessary." _

Ziva opened the door and they both entered Abby's lab. Blasting on the radio was A Day to Remember, not Abby's usual forte, but she was experimenting. Specifically the song was "This Document Speaks for Itself"Abby was at the table looking at tire tracks found at the latest scene when Ziva and Wheelie walked up to her.

"Hey Abby" Ziva said causing Abby to turn around

"Ziva!" Abby screamed before she turned down the music, much to Wheelie's delight who had covered his ears the entire time. Wheelie then remembered a gift that Soundwave had given him for his birthday one year, his own personal internal stereo. To keep the flow of the room going, Wheelie remotely connected Abby's stereo to his own which allowed his stereo to play whatever music that Abby had on at the time.

_(Why can't you see, what three words have done to me? I never knew I was alone, you turned your back, you broke this home.)_

Abby looked around, for she had heard the music and was wondering where it was coming from. She looked at her stereo and noticed that she had actually turned it off, instead of simply turning down the music, yet somehow the music was playing exactly where the song left off when Abby cut it. Wheelie playfully leaned on the table nearby and tapped his fingers nonchalantly, which scrapped like nails to a chalkboard, catching Abby and Ziva's attention.

"What is that thing?" Abby asked, turning to Ziva for an explanation

"That's Wheelie" Ziva answered, "He's a Decepticon."

The only thing that Abby got from this was Wheelie's name, for she had no idea as to what a Decepticon was. Ziva didn't either and was simply relaying what she had heard from earlier to Abby.

Wheelie, seeing this confusion, decided that now would be a good time for clarification. Wheelie attempted to get up on the table, but Wheelie, being Wheelie, was extremely vertically challenged. But then Wheelie being Wheelie, he knew how to improvise. Wheelie rolled his neck and cracked his knuckles, which sounded like spoons and forks clinging together and lifted up his feet activating his advanced traction on his wheels and drove straight up the side of the table as if it were nothing.

Ziva and Abby were easily surprised by this, this new information completely overtaking their lack of knowing what a Decepticon is. Wheelie cleared his throat and cut off the music, practically demanding their attention.

"Now, I think it's time that I explain a few things-" Wheelie began, before he could get so much as another word out, Abby screamed, it was not one of fear but one of a teenage girl at a boy band concert, something like One Direction.

"Oh my god" Abby replied, "It's so cute!"

Wheelie straightened up at this, offended by the notion of being cute. "Hey lady" Wheelie said sternly, "I ain't cute."

Abby didn't hear him and pulled Wheelie into a bear hug, causing Wheelie to grasp for air, despite the fact that he didn't need it to begin with.

"I am a highly intelligent alien life form!" Wheelie screamed as he struggled to break free from Abby's grasp, "Not a teddy bear!" Ziva poked Abby and gave her a look, causing her to let go.

Wheelie jumped back on to the table and brushed himself off. "Now that that's out of the way, maybe we can come to some sort of understanding?" Wheelie didn't get an answer and so continued. "Now before I say anything. Let me warn you that I've taken the liberty of shutting down the cameras and turning off the microphones on this floor while I was in the elevator. This information is extremely confidential and stays between us, got it?" Ziva and Abby nodded in understanding. " Good" Wheelie stated, "Now where to begin?"

"Well I guess the best place to start is from the beginning. It all started on Cybertron, under the rule of the Primes, the leaders of my race. Megatron, the General of the Cybertron Army, thought that the Primes were tyrannical dictators that needed to be destroyed. Optimus, the Ambassador of the Primes, believed that the Primes were the rightful rulers. This resulted in a long and terrible civil war that lasted for three millenniums between the Decepticons, under Megatron, and the Autobots, under Optimus Prime."

Wheelie intentionally left out that he was a Decepticon, the fact that the Decepticons wanted to control the universe through a purity war that would cleanse the universe of all live save for the Cybertron race and the existence of the All Spark.

"Somehow we ended up here on Earth. That's all I can say about that"

Wheelie said this last part imitating the exact voice of Forrest Gump, courtesy of his radio. Abby and Ziva laughed at this, which made Wheelie smile from ear to ear, for if there was one thing that he enjoyed more than his job, it was making people laugh. Unfortunately his job didn't leave much room for laughing and this was something that Wheelie deeply regretted.

At that moment McGee came into Abby's lab with a stack of files. Sitting the files down on the nearest table, McGee turned towards Wheelie eagerly and with the crazed look of a mad scientist got directly in Wheelie's face and asked the million dollar question.

"Okay you're obviously an alien" McGee began excitedly, "I mean there's no other explanation for it..."

_"Really?"_ Wheelie thought to himself, _"I mean sure there's no obvious explanation. I didn't just tell you that like...one...two...three...four times in the past hour! Go ahead Timmy, tell us what you're grand discovery is!"_

"So I have to ask" McGee continued, "Where did you come from?"

Wheelie groaned and slapped himself repeatedly; he turned to Ziva, "You guys explain it to him. Remember confidentiality...I'm trusting you Agent David."

Ziva nodded in full understanding as Wheelie jumped off the table, reverted back into his truck and left the room. Ziva then led McGee over to the table and gave him his answer.

Wheelie rolled around past the autopsy room and back into the elevator, his destination was McGee's desk. He wanted to keep things low key and figured that at the very least he could stay there until closing time, after which the real work would begin.

As soon as Wheelie entered the elevator he stopped it directly between the ground and first floors, by extending his legs to their full extent and jamming his finger on the elevator close button, almost breaking it. Wheelie then pulled out his communicator and called up Starscream.

"Wheelie" Starscream bellowed almost causing Wheelie to lose his balance, "Have you located the All Spark yet?"

Wheelie shook his head, "No sir" he replied, "I'm hacking into their databases remember? Just like you told to do? Get the databases, leak their intelligence, destroy their government. That's the plan right?"

Starscream huffed remembering his own orders, "Well...make sure that it gets done you isolate waste of breath!"

Wheelie only nodded in submission and like a loyal dog said yes to every insult that Starscream gave him.

When Starscream was finished, Wheelie hung up. He then called Optimus Prime.

"Wheelie" Optimus began, "What the hell do you want?"

Wheelie ignored this as he heard a loud explosion and so could only assume that Optimus was in the middle of something

"Just reporting in sir" Wheelie said as he nervously looked around, hoping that the doors would hold.

"Good" Optimus answered, "When you've figured out what Starscream's doing get yourself to the airfield. Remember, we need as much intelligence as we can get."

Wheelie nodded and like a loyal dog said yes to everything that Optimus said, after this Wheelie hung up.

Wheelie then let go of the button and quickly transformed and rolled himself out into the main room back to McGee's desk. As soon as he got there, Wheelie fell asleep, silently crying to himself. To everyone who could hear, this was nothing more than the occasional beep.


	3. The Megatron Interrogation Method

Chapter Three

The Megatron Interrogation Method

Tony and Gibbs returned a few hours later with Jonathan Landon in tow. McGee, upon seeing Landon, shivered a bit and reflexively kicked the small metal box that Wheelie had formed into, giving the Decepticon a rude awakening.

_"Alright Timmy"_ Wheelie thought to himself, _"I'm up, I'm up!"_

Out of habit, Wheelie began pulling out all of his weapons and tools. "Let's see" he began, "Knife-Check...Blowtorch-Check...Gun-Check...Taser-Check...Cattle Prod-Check." Wheelie then also began going over his various parts, also part of his morning routine, even though it was now mid afternoon. "Two eyes- Check...Two arms- Check...Two legs and wheels-Check..." Wheelie looked down and thankfully found what he was looking for, "Decepticon Superiority- Triple Check..." Wheelie opened up his chest and saw the small blue spark that served as his life force, "Spark- Triple Check as well."

Just as Wheelie was almost done, McGee looked underneath his desk to see what he was doing, for the Decepticon had been making a lot of noise.

"What are you doing?" McGee asked curiously as he saw the various weapons underneath his desk and Wheelie checking every inch of himself

"Checklist" Wheelie answered, "Can't be too careful out here you know."

"Right" McGee replied uncomfortably, "I'm going to lunch."

Wheelie put himself back together and put his weapons away before emerging out from McGee's desk with a certain eagerness that could only be interpreted as him wanting to come along. McGee saw this and shrugged, he hoped that Wheelie was a good in cars, but then again he did just meet him this morning.

"Look Wheels" McGee began

Wheelie cut him off at this, "Wheelie!" he loudly corrected, "Never Wheels understand? Wheelie."

"Why so defensive?" McGee asked, at the same time making a mental note that Wheelie's name was Wheelie and to never call him anything else.

"Because I've never been anything else Timmy" Wheelie explained, "I've always ever been me and that ain't changing. No matter what my political dealings are-"

Tony came back into the room, he having walked all the way to the interrogation room, "Hey McGee, Probie, you gotta see this!" Wheelie sneered at this; McGee rolled his eyes, "Tony do you have to-?" Tony cut him off with a laugh and a playfully kick at Wheelie's wheel, who slowly began to draw his gun, McGee stopped him before he could by blocking it with his leg causing Wheelie to back off.

In the observation room that was next to interrogation, Ziva and Vance were calmly watching the situation unfold. Gibbs was just about to scream his head off and was dangerously close to stepping over boundaries, but even if lines were crossed Vance would still let it happen.

Tony and McGee came in first, Wheelie, who was transformed, looked around the room and scanned Vance to get any information out of him.

_"Entry #476B"_ Wheelie began in his database, _"Update on Vance, Director of NCIS..."_ Wheelie slowly began to scan Vance's facial configuration, _"Possible ally, Essential until further notice from Prime or Starscream. Use caution."_

Tony and McGee stood next to Ziva, watching the situation unfold. They began placing bets as to what would happen next.

"He's going to throw the chair across the room, flash the picture and then pin the guy against the wall." Tony said matter-of-factly

"No way" Ziva replied, "More likely that Gibbs is going to play mercy."

McGee laughed at the thought of Gibbs resorting to a playground game in an interrogation, it was almost comical. "You're both talking out your ass" McGee exclaimed, "Gibbs is going to play the silent game, get inside Landon's head."

Vance, who was getting annoyed by all of this turned to all three of them, his face was red and his eyes were cold, "And I'm going to fire all of your asses if you don't shut up!" he screamed. Vance saw Wheelie, "McGee!" he barked, "I thought Gibbs told you to stop playing around! Throw that damn camera of yours away right now!" McGee nodded slowly, picked Wheelie up and walked out of the room.

Outside the interrogation room, Gibbs could be heard trashing and screaming just about every curse word imaginable. McGee simply walked on, but Wheelie hacked into the interrogation security and was watching the scene, he couldn't help but laugh. Wheelie, for the sake of McGee, pulled it up on a video feed.

"Looks like you were all wrong" Wheelie said, "He's giving him the Megatron treatment."

McGee looked at the screen and was utterly horrified, "Cattle prod?"

Wheelie nodded, "Right up the guy's ass too, damn that Gibbs, he'd make a good Decepticon."

McGee's face turned from one of horror to being deathly afraid, "Oh my God! Please tell me this isn't happening?"

Wheelie only laughed, causing McGee to run back to the observation room.

When McGee entered the room he immediately turned towards the window to find everything normal. Or at least, as normal as they could've been, there were no cattle prods, no anal probing, and no knifes digging into any skin. There was however, the throwing of chairs, the flashing of pictures, the pinning of Landon against the wall, the game of mercy and various degrees of silence. All in that exact order.

Vance shook his head annoyingly and was just about to leave when he caught sight of Wheelie, this time in his true form.

"Ah geez" Wheelie said as he pulled out his cattle prod and set it to stun at half the power. Wheelie's cattle prod at full power, even on stun mode was enough to stop a raging Megatron from destroying a city block. "Say goodnight Leon!"

Wheelie then violently shocked Vance with his cattle prod, causing the Director to fall unconscious. Wheelie then leaped out of McGee's hands and pulled out a memory eraser, which would've been the next thing on his checklist that afternoon.

Wheelie looked around at everyone, "Close your eyes" he commanded, "Don't look directly at it, you won't remember a thing."

They did as they were told and Wheelie activated the memory eraser, a bright white light filled the room for a second and then disappeared.

"You can open your eyes now" Wheelie declared as he put the memory eraser away

"What was that?" Ziva asked curiously as she looked at the Director

"Memory eraser" Wheelie explained, "Don't worry, he'll be fine. A little dizzy and extremely confused, but he'll be fine."

McGee then remembered what he saw on the video feed and what was going on in the interrogation room, "Were you bullshitting me?" he said as turned to Wheelie, who at hearing this went inside himself in shame.

McGee repeated the question, this time Wheelie gave an answer, "Look I was only having fun" he explained, "I didn't expect you to be gullible and stupid at the same time and go running back in here with me all exposed like I am..." This brought up another thing that he forgot to mention to McGee and Tony, "When it comes to me, I don't exist alright? Keep this" Wheelie gestured to himself, "hush-hush." McGee and Tony nodded in understanding, as Wheelie got back on subject.

Before Wheelie could continue, Gibbs had thrown Landon against the one way window, "Where is he!" he shouted, sounding an awful lot like Christian Bale's Batman, "What are you talking about?" Landon asked fearfully, "I worked alone, I confessed to everything!" Gibbs shook his head his eyes were crazed, as if he were the one being questioned instead of Landon.

Tony, McGee and Ziva looked on in horror, Wheelie, using his traction, climbed up to the window and laughed.

"Oh my God" Tony said as Gibbs did the unthinkable, "Is Gibbs doing what I think he's doing?"

Ziva looked away in disgust and walked out of the room. Tony, McGee and Wheelie looked on; their eyes glued in horror as Gibbs pulled out a Taser and began ramming it up Landon's ass.

"How is Landon even alive?" McGee asked to no one in particular

Wheelie only laughed hysterically as Landon screamed and blood started streaming out of his eyes. "The Megatron Interrogation Method, god you gotta love it! It's terrible, horrible and sickening, but you gotta love it!"

Tony and McGee each gave Wheelie a horrified expression, for Landon, if he wasn't dead, was really, really close to it.

Wheelie could only laugh, for he knew the truth.

Gibbs walked into the interrogation room with his mug, upon seeing Landon and the Gibbs who had been interrogating him, Gibbs pulled out his gun and fired, his bullet hitting Gibbs right between the eyes, revealing it to be a Decepticon drone.

Gibbs looked at the drone and then at Landon, who at this point was dead. Wheelie groaned annoyingly and exited the room and did the same procedure that he had done to Vance. He then walked into the interrogation room and destroyed the drone, sweeping up the parts to be used for personal spares. When this was done, Wheelie looked towards Tony and McGee and motioned for them to get Landon's body and bring it down to autopsy.

Tony turned to McGee, "Are you serious?" he said, "I'm taking orders from that thing!"

McGee rolled his eyes, "He's not ordering, he's asking DiNozzo, there's a big difference."

"Well I don't like it. You go drag the body off to autopsy, I'm not going to be a part of it."

McGee sighed and turned to Ziva, who was at the doorway, complied.

McGee and Ziva walked towards Landon, Wheelie, upon seeing Ziva, got in front of her, refusing her to go near Landon's body.

"I don't think so sweetheart" Wheelie said protectively, "You ain't going near this guy, not while I have anything to say about it."

McGee noticed that Wheelie's tone was not only protective but also chivalrous, as if he had some kind of code of honor.

"I can handle it Wheelie" Ziva said offended, Wheelie backed off, "Only thinking of your well being David" Wheelie replied, "You shouldn't have to do this kind of stuff but if it's what you want, I won't stop you." Wheelie stepped aside.

Ziva grabbed Landon's arms and McGee grabbed Landon's legs, they then carried him off to autopsy. Tony slowly walked out of the observation room, a smug smile had appeared on his face.

"Don't think you have a chance with her" Tony said as he once again kicked Wheelie's right wheel, "You're a...thing. She's a human."

Wheelie looked at Tony in disgust, "That's a bold accusation there pretty boy. You mind putting stock behind that?"

Tony huffed, "I saw the way you looked at her, you like her don't you?"

Wheelie laughed, offended by the remark, "As if I could ever have feelings for a human? The very idea that I would stoop down to your level to even understand the idiotic human concept of love and compassion is in itself an insult. And I won't stand for it!"

Tony shook his head at Wheelie's denial, "You Probie, have a lot to learn."

Wheelie groaned, "And stop calling me Probie DiNozzo, I ain't no teammate! I'm a fugitive."

Tony nodded in disbelief and walked away heading towards lunch. Wheelie transformed and headed back to McGee's desk.


	4. Wishful Thinking

**Contains one instance of the F word. But it's an important and pretty awesome use of it, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Enjoy**

**Written to I-Tunes version of Destination by Imagine Dragons**

Chapter Four

Wishful Thinking

McGee and Ziva collectively decided that until they know more about Wheelie's motives to switch duties watching him, which meant that until that time, Wheelie would be staying with one of them every night. Tonight was McGee's turn.

This arrangement presented many problems for Wheelie, who had full intention of doing his job, gathering NCIS intelligence, that night. The question of who to give it to, Starscream or Optimus, was one that still needed answering. Wheelie justified this action by rationalizing that McGee, as well as Ziva, had important information in their respective houses, and so would retrieve those as a form of appeasement.

McGee stopped at a Wendy's drive-thru and got to the intercom. He got his order and then turned to Wheelie.

"What do you want?" he asked

Wheelie didn't hear him; he was too busy thinking about his situation, at the same time he was masturbating. It made McGee cringe for he was practically destroying what he referred to as his "Decepticon Superiority" by beating the hell out of it with his clawed hand.

"Hey!" McGee shouted, startling Wheelie, who looked at him with a confused look, "Stop that" Wheelie nodded and complied, "Now what do you want?" McGee continued.

Wheelie zoomed in on the menu with his robotic eyes and scanned down the selections. Nothing on it sounded good, or for that matter healthy. However, Wheelie was hungry, for he hadn't eaten since he came to Earth, so about two days ago.

"You humans and your food" Wheelie replied, "You don't have anything good. Besides I can't stomach anything that isn't made of Energon, which I would have to harvest...you know what never mind-" Wheelie leaned over McGee and spoke into the intercom, "A small order of fries, a medium...Diet Coke and a chocolate Frosty."

The order was put in and McGee continued up through the line. Wheelie readjusted himself in the passenger seat; he looked like the shy little kid who doesn't talk to people or the nervous and beaten puppy that needed someone to love. McGee saw this and had the nervous look of a parent who wants nothing more than to take the child and or beaten puppy and tell it that everything was going to be okay. McGee bit down on his lower lip as if he didn't know what to say or do.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Wheelie asked looking over and seeing McGee's face, "You shit yourself or something?"

McGee pulled himself together and looked straight ahead, "No" he answered, "What makes you say that?"

Wheelie laughed, "Because you were doing this" Wheelie then began to do his best interpretation of what McGee was doing, but since he was a robot, it wasn't very good, "Damn" Wheelie joked, "Well...you get what I mean."

McGee laughed to himself, _"This guy's a trip"_ he thought to himself,_" He fits right in with our little group well, mostly. Tony might be a problem, but Tony's a problem with everybody, I'm sure they'll get used to each other."_

McGee was thinking this with the full confidence that Wheelie was sticking around; something that Wheelie had no intention of doing. In his own way, McGee had grown to like the thing that this morning was nothing more than a coffee maker with piss in it. In fact, you might even say that McGee loved Wheelie and secretly wished that no matter what Wheelie's motives were that he would stick around and perhaps join the team.

McGee got the food and handed Wheelie his order, the Decepticon having to almost get inside the bag completely to pull out the fries and even more so for the ones that had fallen in the bottom of the bag.

"So you can't stomach food?" McGee asked as he pulled out of the line and headed for home

"Human food Timmy" Wheelie answered, "I wasn't made for it. Energon is my bag, but there's less and less of it these days. We've had to harvest it, make our own so to speak, from the carbohydrates and minerals in your food as well as a bit of ourselves from our Sparks, our life force. It's painful but it works...Some of us don't like harvesting, so we just adapt to whatever's available."

Wheelie took a drink of his Diet Coke and continued

"Any more questions Timmy?"

"Just one" McGee answered, half annoyed and half curious "Why are you calling me Timmy?"

Wheelie didn't have an immediate answer to this. He thought about it for a long time, he didn't really come up with an answer until McGee was in his driveway and when he finally found it, he was embarrassed to say it.

_"Remember who you are Wheelie"_ Wheelie said to himself, _"You are a Decepticon, you are a Decepticon. Incapable of human emotions, they are beneath you; remember that, that's what Megatron keeps telling you."_

McGee and Wheelie exited the car, carrying their garbage with them, Wheelie continued his inner monologue.

_"This guy doesn't care about you. He doesn't even know who you are or why you're even here! Then answer me this Wheelie, if he doesn't care about you then why is he letting you, someone that he just met today, in his house. Answer- Either Timmy...Tim...is really stupid or, and it's very unlikely, he actually does care about you. Now what do you have to say for yourself?"_

McGee opened his front door and ushered Wheelie in.

Standing at the door of McGee's house the first thing you noticed was that the area in front of the door all the way to the back of the house was made of hardwood floor. To the immediate right of the door was a kitchen area, it had blue granite counter tops and matching tile. In the back right of the house was an office area, which was blocked off from the rest of the house by walls. A door could be seen on the corner of the wall facing the door. The kitchen had walls surrounding it, the entrances on the walls that faced the office and the left exterior wall of the house.

To the immediate left of the door was the living room, its floors were a nice red carpet which went to about the halfway point in the house before it returned to hardwood floor and reached the wall of the bathroom. In the middle of the living room was a large couch that was an off white color, the back of the couch would be facing you. In front of the couch was a glass coffee table, on the left side of the coffee table and tilted at an angle was a love chair that matched the couch. On the exterior wall was a flat screen TV, about 45 inches or so.

Wheelie looked around and then down, seeing the Welcome Mat on the floor. Wheelie shrugged and had the decency to wipe his wheels free of dirt and grime; he told himself that if he got any tracks on McGee's floors that he would clean them himself-with a human sized mop- as punishment for carelessness and being a bad house guest.

McGee made his way to the bathroom, leaving Wheelie alone for a moment. Wheelie quickly made his way to McGee's office and slowly opened the door.

Wheelie didn't bother turning on the light, for fear of McGee finding him out. Wheelie closed the door as quietly as he could and turned on his night vision. Looking around the small room, Wheelie saw in the corner, initially tucked away from view, a filing cabinet. Wheelie decided to start there and work his way around the room.

The filing cabinet had three drawers in it. All of these drawers were locked. Wheelie pulled out a key ring that he had picked up from McGee's desk just before he left the NCIS building, but to his dismay, none of them fit any of the locks. Wheelie, going to Plan B, pulled out his knife and attempted to pick the lock. This failed miserably.

At that moment, Wheelie's communicator went off; Wheelie hoped to the Creator that it wasn't Starscream, but then again he also hoped that it wasn't Optimus. Unfortunately, his hopes would go unnoticed because they were both calling him at exactly the same time.

"Great" Wheelie said to himself, "Answering one would immediately get the suspicion of the other. You have to make a decision now Wheelie, who do you want to be: a Decepticon or an Autobot?"

Starscream appeared in an instant while Optimus went to voice mail.

"Wheelie you insolent, bumbling buffoon, have you gotten the information yet?"

"I'm working on it right now sir" Wheelie answered, "I'll have it to you by the morning."

Starscream slammed his fist on a heavy table, or at least what sounded like a heavy table. "Now Wheelie, give it to me now!"

Wheelie shook his head, "I can't give you something that I don't have yet sir. Be patient."

Silence filled the room; it was the same dead silence as on New Year's Eve.

Starscream then reminded Wheelie why everyone called him Starscream...

"Have you lost your mind? Did you just give me an order, me, Starscream, Megatron's right hand man and General of his Army? You best pray to The Creator that you didn't because if you did I will find you and I will rip out your Spark from your body...and it will be very, very painful!"

Starscream paused, waiting for Wheelie to answer. He remained silent.

"Get me that information by tomorrow or start writing your will because when I find you Wheelie, you're going to wish that we killed you!"

Wheelie had no idea why Starscream repeated himself, for he basically said the exact same thing in two completely different ways. Wheelie could only laugh to himself the more he thought about this last reinterpretation.

"Hey Starscream" Wheelie replied suddenly," Do me a favor?"

Starscream growled, "What is it swine!"

"Go fuck yourself."

Wheelie then hung up and wishing for a moment that he hadn't just to hear Starscream's reaction, he imagined that it was something very much like Gibbs' moment earlier, but with more ripping of spinal cords and dismemberment.

Wheelie thought about calling Optimus, but decided against it, for no doubt Optimus knew that Wheelie had taken Starscream's call and so was now branded a traitor against the Autobots. Wheelie also made a note that with his episode with Starscream he was technically a traitor against the Decepticons as well.

"Look at it this way Wheelie" he said to himself trying to find a silver lining even though he knew that it was ultimately a futile effort. "At least you only have to answer to yourself from here on out."

Wheelie looked around, sighed and left the room empty handed.

**Note: The word "insolent" is now spelled right as compared to Chapter 2 when Starscream attempts to use this same word. This is the word meant, which means showing a rude and arrogant lack of respect.**

**The word that Starscream uses in Chapter 2 is "isolate" which means to be alone or set apart, which is also true since Wheelie is alone but it is not the word meant. "Insolent" is the real word.**


	5. Should Have Taken the Bus

Chapter Five

Should Have Taken the Bus

Barricade, in the form of a police car, was waiting on the corner of the street waiting for further orders. He had been told specifically by Starscream to keep an eye on Wheelie, for it was obvious that Starscream questioned his motives. Barricade's own opinion on the issue were mixed. On one hand, Barricade followed Starscream and Megatron's orders without question, but on the other hand he understood why Wheelie would favor the Autobots. After all, when you're lead by a Prime, victory is assured.

Tony walked out of his house and walked the block to the bus station, Tony's car was at the shop and wasn't expected to be fixed until the following week. Barricade was directly next to this bus stop.

At first glance Tony saw an empty police car, he recognized the serial number on the car, that of his old partner. Tony shrugged and tapped on the glass of the passenger window, causing Barricade to stir a bit. Tony, remembering that he still had keys to the precinct and his partner's car, walked around to the driver's side and, upon finding the car empty, got in the driver's seat.

Tony noticed that the controls of the car were different of that of a regular vehicle. For one thing, it wasn't in English, or any known language. Tony assumed that this was a practical joke, for him and his partner, the longest lasting being with a man whom Tony called "MacGyver", had their own language. Tony put the car to what he perceived to be drive and gently placed his foot on the gas pedal.

Barricade's front wheels began moving, but his back remained motionless. Tony was extremely confused as to what was happening, for he expected to be on Pennsylvania Avenue by now.

"Please stop" Barricade said through the radio, masking his voice to sound like Patton Oswalt, "You're driving me crazy."

Tony raised his eyebrows and fiddled with the radio, _"Come on MacGyver"_ he thought to himself, _"Get yourself a decent radio for at least one of your cars please!"_

Barricade laughed to himself and immediately began blasting the radio to its full volume, at the moment it was playing "Hells Bells" by ACDC.

Barricade scanned Tony for his personal information and threw the car into drive, causing him to speed at 130 miles per hour down the street.

"Let me ask you something Mr. DiNozzo" Barricade began rather politely, "Do you know what I am?"

Tony, at the sound of Barricade's voice, which was still in the form of Patton Oswalt*, screamed his head off.

"That's it, I'm going to die" Tony began hysterically, "I'm going to be killed by a guy who voiced a rat, could this get any worse!"

Barricade laughed, easily amused and reverted to his normal speaking voice, which was gruff and almost sounded as if he had gargled nails for breakfast.

"A rat you say?" Barricade joked, "That's almost insulting! I am not a rat, no, I'm much worse; I'm the sewage the rat rolls in!" Barricade took a sharp right turn, heading towards the Lincoln Memorial.

"What the hell is going on?" Tony asked fearfully as he tired the door only to find it locked.

"Oh you're hot sweetheart but you ain't too bright" Barricade replied, causing Tony to look at him with a disgusted look. Barricade laughed manically in disbelief, "Humans...No wonder Megatron finds sport in you eh?"

Tony looked ahead and let out a deafening scream for Barricade was heading straight for the Reflection Pool, this only caused Barricade to go faster, just as he was about to enter the water, he reverted to his robotic form, throwing Tony in the air like a rag doll in the process. Barricade quickly leapt for Tony just as he would've broken his neck against the hard concrete floor of the pool, but not before Tony entered the water.

Barricade lifted Tony up and brought him to his eye level.

Barricade laughed, it was evilly happy. "Should have taken the bus Mr. DiNozzo" he said, "Good for the environment and your health."

_"Answering my own question yet again"_ Tony thought to himself in the midst of his fear, _"Yes Tony, it can always get worse."_

Tony was dripping wet and hating himself that he didn't just take the bus. Then he looked down and screamed as loud as humanly possible, it was loud enough to make Barricade's ears hurt. Tony, in addition to his screaming, held on to Barricade's thumb as if it were the only thing keeping him alive at the moment.

"Would you be quiet?" Barricade commanded extremely annoyed," By the Creator you're worse than my girlfriend on a bad day."

Tony continued screaming, his mouth was like a gaping hole that refused to be closed, an open fly that showed the embarrassing polka dotted underwear, (in Tony's case this was quite literal, for his fly was open) and the mouth of every pop singer who ever existed whenever they hit the really long ridiculous high note that no one else but them can hit. Barricade rolled his eyes and decided to change tactics, he gently lifted his other hand and placed his index finger, which went from Tony's head to his waist, and put it over Tony's mouth as if he were a six year old kid. Even then Tony still continued screaming, it was muffled and distorted but it was still there. Barricade kept his finger where it was, he didn't remove it until Tony finally stopped to take a breath.

"Are you done?" Barricade asked, prepared to shush Tony again, Tony nodded and fearfully looked around, "Good."

"Please be gentle" Tony begged fearfully

Barricade lifted his eyebrows in confusion, "What are you-?" he started to say before he remembered his intense study on human lore and their belief that aliens actually did the anal probing thing. Barricade sighed in pity, "They said that you people were ignorant. I just didn't want to believe them."

Tony took offense to this but before he could so much as speak, Barricade spoke again.

"I understand that you work for NCIS, the Naval Criminal Investigation Service?"

Tony nodded, hating himself for doing it, but then also noting that today was the day that he decided to wear his NCIS hat and so it was public information.

"Have you heard of Sector Seven?" Barricade asked curiously

Tony shook his head

Barricade groaned and cursed Wheelie's name, "Do you know what the All Spark is?"

Tony shook his head again

Barricade groaned louder, "Damn you Wheelie" he grumbled, "Now I have to explain everything!"

Tony leaned in at the mentioning of Wheelie, having developed a curiosity, "You know him?"

Barricade nodded slowly, having no idea where Tony was going with this.

"Are you acquainted?"

Barricade moved his shoulders slightly, for he wouldn't even so much as call Wheelie an acquaintance, more like a really, really annoying guy that you met on the Internet who constantly bugs you with questions you can't answer. Barricade, nevertheless, found a real answer to the question, one that was part lie and part truth.

"Yes"

Barricade was getting tired of looking at Tony's face, for he personally found Tony to be extremely ugly and so sat him down on the steps of the Memorial. Barricade then transformed and opened the back driver's side door.

"Where are we going?" Tony asked curiously

"To your work of course" Barricade answered, "Can't have Gibbs get on you now can we?"

Tony found reason in this, not thinking on how Barricade even knew his boss's name. Once Tony was inside, Barricade made his way slowly to the street and following the speed limits for once, headed towards the NCIS building.

"Why do you care about me so much?" Tony asked as Barricade sped down the street.

Barricade rolled his eyes and huffed, offended by the suggestion, "I don't" Barricade declared, "Do not mistake my interest as personal. This is business, nothing more."

"What about Wheelie?" Tony asked, for the first time showing concern for the thing, "What is he to you?"

Barricade huffed again, this time it was louder, "That's none of your business Mr. DiNozzo. Now kindly keep quiet or I will not hesitate to blow your brains all over the road!"

Tony fearfully gripped the seat as Barricade reached 60, then 70 and finally topping at 88 miles an hour. For a moment, Tony feared that he was going to be thrown back in time. Thankfully, Barricade was not the Delorean from _Back to the Future_; although for a moment he wished that he was, if only to make Tony suffer all the more.

By the time Barricade stopped in front of the NCIS building five minutes later, Tony's hair was grey, his eyes were popping out of his head and he was mumbling to himself like an idiot.

"Mr. DiNozzo" Barricade called, "You forgot something!"

Tony begrudgingly turned around as Barricade rolled down his passenger seat window allowing Tony to retrieve what remained of his underwear.

"Sorry about that." Barricade continued, "You might just wanna throw those out. They're covered in shit and now thanks to you I'm going to have to go through the wash...again."

"Ha, ha, ha" Tony replied sarcastically, "You are not sorry. You are not even remotely sorry, if you were you would tell me to my face."

Barricade shrugged and reverted to his robotic form, intentionally swiping Tony with his claw, accidentally drawing blood on his cheek.

"How's this Mr. DiNozzo? Is this better for you?" Barricade exclaimed as he got as much in Tony's face as possible, Tony was shaking, "Careful" Barricade said playfully, "Don't want to mess up your pants as well..." Barricade sniffed the air, "Seriously though, take care of that, it's more than foul, god awful actually."

Tony scurried off inside the building. Barricade then remembered that Tony had relieved himself in his back seat, which in robotic form was inside his chest, next to his Spark. Barricade immediately felt like a squirrel- jittery, uncomfortable and not really sure what do. He decided that he would make good on his words and go through the wash. Just as he was about to transform, he caught sight of Wheelie, who was sitting by the curb in front of the NCIS building looking like he just got ran over by a train.

Barricade tried to scan Wheelie, but found that his internal scanner was damaged, unfortunately, there was only one person who could fix it, Ratchet.

"Great" Barricade thought to himself, "As if things couldn't get any worse!"

Barricade could feel a sharp pain in his chest, opening himself up, he also realized that his Spark, in addition to being covered in Tony's excrement, was bruised, nothing serious but definitely worth seeing Ratchet for.

Barricade transformed and rolled up to Wheelie, who upon seeing Barricade, only became sadder.

"Have you come here to destroy me Barricade?" Wheelie asked, his voice monotone and uncaring.

"That all depends on what you've already done to yourself" Barricade answered, trying to be comforting or at the very least sympathetic.

Wheelie laughed, it was like his voice, uncaring and without effort. "In that case it wouldn't take much."

Wheelie then sniffed the air; he smelt something that looked like it came out of a sewer, his nose landed on Barricade.

"Umm..." Wheelie began, "Any particular reason why you smell like shit?"

Barricade smiled and let out a small laugh, "It seems Mr. DiNozzo is afraid of me, couldn't imagine why."

Wheelie looked back towards the building and then towards Barricade, "Take care of that...like now, seriously it's ungodly."

Barricade, without so much as saying a word, drove off to get cleaned.

Walking towards the building, Wheelie came up on Abby and Ziva, behind them and out of Wheelie's view was Ducky. Ziva was dressed up for some reason; she was in a red dress and had small diamond earrings that brought out her eyes. Abby, as well, was dressed up, she in a black dress that was reminiscent of a spider web. At first glance one would say that Abby looked like Maleficent.

"If it isn't the Queen of Darkness herself" Wheelie replied as he walked up

Abby turned around and smiled as soon as she saw Wheelie, "Hey Wheelie, there's someone I want you to meet. Don't worry he's cool."

Wheelie despite this reassurance was still skeptical.

Abby stepped aside and Ducky stepped forward, "Pleasure to meet you sir" Ducky replied, "Welcome to our planet. Abby and Ziva have told me all about you."

"Hopefully not everything" Wheelie muttered to himself

"Don't worry about me" Ducky continued, "I'm good at keeping secrets. Besides, Gibbs doesn't need to know about you anyway."

Wheelie scanned Ducky just to be safe and found him relatively harmless, and like Palmer, labeled him as a liability.

Ziva, Abby and Ducky then remembered something and turned to Wheelie for the answer

"What was up with Tony?" Ziva asked, "He seemed...different."

"Yeah" Abby added, "and he smelled weird too"

Wheelie laughed and shook his head, "You're talking to the wrong Decepticon. The _wrong _Decepticon...you guys want Barricade."

Ducky readjusted his glasses, "Who's Barricade?" he asked curiously

"Another Decepticon" Wheelie answered, "He's like my big brother! A really, really big, big brother"

Wheelie then began whistling a tune as he made his way inside the building, feeling a little better, especially since he now had something to talk about later, he laughed to himself the more he thought about it.

"Tony's never going to live this one down isn't he?" as he turned around towards the others.

"Definitely" Ziva, Abby and Ducky answered

Wheelie then walked into the NCIS building, making sure that he had his video camera up and running, he would want to capture Tony's reaction in the moment. While he was doing this, he accidentally ran into Vance.

*Patton Oswalt is a comedian who voiced Remy in the Pixar film_ Ratatouille_*


	6. Vance's Shoes

**Note: The medical science in this chapter is impossible. It exists for the sake of story and to serve humor, like everything else in this story.**

Chapter Six

Vance's Shoes

Vance looked down and stared at Wheelie. Wheelie, too busy messing with his camera to even notice who he had ran into, ignored him. Vance's eyes were literally popping out of his head; a million questions were running through his mind and all of them screaming. While Vance was trying to organize himself, Wheelie got his camera working and looked up.

"Holy shit!" Wheelie cried as soon as he saw Vance, momentarily forgetting about his memory eraser, "Director Vance..." Wheelie slowly began moving into the mindset similar to that of Bugs Bunny, this time he figured, he would talk his way out of the situation.

Wheelie was short enough that Vance's shoe was something of a very low armrest for him, so Wheelie capitalized on Vance's motionless and lay down on the ground and rested both elbows on one shoe.

"How's it going big shot?" Wheelie asked nonchalantly, he then looked at Vance's shoes, "Wow you got nice shoes. Where you get em? Wait; don't tell me, I wanna guess..."

Vance still maintained his expression, Ziva, Abby and Ducky walked by, stopping as soon as they saw Vance.

"Director, I can explain" Ziva began, but Wheelie stopped her with the raising of his hand.

"Wait a minute sweetheart" Wheelie replied, "Let's have a little fun huh?" Ziva shrugged and decided that it couldn't hurt to act like Tony for a day, besides, she thought, it might be fun.

Wheelie tapped Vance's shoe and thought painfully long about where he possibly could've gotten his shoes. Vance then began laughing and it was not because someone had told a joke. It was the hysterical laugh of disbelief, discomfort and Vance having given up on his sanity.

"I got it" Wheelie said suddenly, "Kohl's; he got him at Kohl's. And that ring on your finger, you went to Jared, cause everyone goes to Jared."

Vance's ring was not a wedding ring; it was just a ring that he wore because his wife told him to. His wedding ring was missing.

Wheelie stood up and continued, "And that mustache, you go to the barber down the street, Barricade told me that he saw you there, he's a big guy like you, although made of metal and lacking facial hair." Vance just stared at Wheelie saying nothing.

"Sir?" Ziva asked concern slowly creeping into her voice, "Sir?"

Ducky walked over and pulled out a stethoscope, "Please don't be dead" Ducky muttered to himself. Ducky checked Vance's heart, "He's going into cardiac arrest!" Ducky screamed as he motioned Abby over to assist. Ziva called 911.

"Wow" Wheelie said rather unsympathetic, "Heart attack standing up, that's new...Wait if he's going into cardiac arrest how was he standing for all that time?"

"Now is not the time for logical thinking Wheelie" Ducky yelled, "Now is the time to save the Director. If you aren't going to help, then I suggest you leave!"

Wheelie shrugged and walked over, "Well I don't know much about humans, but the heart is anything like a Spark I'll give it a go."

Wheelie opened up Vance's shirt and pulled out his knife. "What are you doing?" Ducky screamed, "Are you mad?" Wheelie didn't answer and instead began making short incisions in Vance's chest. At that moment Barricade, followed closely by Ratchet and Ironhide pulled up in the parking lot...

Barricade, Ratchet and Ironhide all reverted to robotic form at exactly the same time. Ironhide immediately pulled out his cannon and trained it on Barricade.

"Do anything funny and I'm blowing your ass" Ironhide threatened.

"Really Ironhide" Barricade replied with a laugh, "I didn't know you rolled that way? Take me out to dinner first and we'll talk." Ironhide growled menacingly in response.

Ratchet rolled his eyes and turned to Ironhide, "Look I don't like it much either. But if he's willing to offer us information, then I say we do whatever it takes."

Barricade opened himself up and Ratchet took a look inside of his chest plate. "What the hell did you do Barricade?" Ratchet asked curiously, "Your Spark is all bent out of shape...and it smells like a human just shit in you!"

Barricade groaned, "That would be Mr. DiNozzo" he grumbled, "He's...special and not in the good way."

Ratchet began his work; Barricade screamed in pain, "If I die" he said to Ratchet, "Take care of her for me. Don't let her be alone. Please I implore you..." Barricade screamed in pain as Ratchet began hammering away at his Spark," Take it. Rip out what you can save, let her know that I love her, that I always will and that-"

Ratchet stopped working, "Done" he said

"Really?" Barricade replied as Ratchet closed Barricade's chest, "That's it?"

"Yeah that's it" Ratchet answered, "Painful, but harmless in the end."

"Oh" Barricade stated rather awkwardly, "Stay away from my girlfriend. If I find that you've been screwing her I'm going to rip off your head understand?"

Ratchet shook this off and pushed Barricade playfully before transforming and rolling down the street. It was then that Wheelie screamed as loudly as he possibly could.

"Live damn you, LIVE!"

Ratchet heard this and immediately reverted and turned towards the scream. Barricade ran over as fast as he could, at the same time he scanned an NCIS truck and transformed into its likeness. As soon as Barricade reached Wheelie, he too reverted.

"What's the situation?" Ratchet asked with a concerned look on his face at Vance, whose chest was open and hooked up to various electrical equipment. "What are you doing?" Ratchet continued, seeing the mess that Wheelie made.

"Hey maybe if you were so concerned with Barricade you might be able to help me!" Wheelie replied, "Now shut up and help me!"

Ratchet took a knee, ignoring the other humans in the area and focusing on Vance. "Damn it Wheelie, what did you do? You're only killing him faster!"

"Again...why are you getting on me?" Wheelie exclaimed, "Shut up and fix him!"

"I can't fix him!" Ratchet screamed, "He's dead."

Barricade scanned Vance

"You deliberately killed him" Ratchet continued, "if he hasn't dead now it's the best thing for him to be."

Wheelie scoffed, "What was I supposed to do? I'm not a biologist! I'm a drone...a mindless, senseless drone who's only purpose is to gather intelligence. What is so difficult about that?"

Barricade began searching through his various defense tools, none of them would serve the situation.

"Well then what do you suggest we do?" Ducky asked, just wanting to get this over with.

Ratchet pulled out a gun and aimed it at Vance's head

"You fire that" Barricade replied with a growl," You're back to that cursed airfield in pieces Ratchet."

Ratchet powered up his gun. Barricade opened up his chest and painfully scraped off a piece of his Spark and put into Vance.

Ratchet stared at Barricade, "What! After all that work that I just on you you're going to waste it?"

Barricade huffed, "Is it a waste if it's saving a life? I don't think so. Besides I'm not doing for me, for you or anyone else. I'm doing this for them" Barricade gestured towards Ziva, Abby and Ducky, "Without a leader their organization will fall, the government will burn and everything that their country has ever stood for will die. I don't much care for politics, but the Decepticons are not ready for that to happen and I know damn well that the Autobots aren't. So, are you doing to let me save him, or are you going to get in the way and force me to kill you?"

Ratchet said nothing. Barricade nodded and turned to Abby, "Punch the piece as hard as you can" he instructed, "It will send a good electric charge through his body and get his heart going again. You only have one chance, so make it count."

Abby nodded and punched the piece, Vance immediately shot up and screamed.

Almost as soon as this happened Wheelie stabbed Vance with an anesthetic and sewed him back up.

Ironhide came over five minutes later to check on Barricade, his gun still tracking him.

"Really Ironhide?" Barricade replied, "If you're going to be paranoid at least be consistent and follow me! I could've killed everyone in this entire building and you're only now just showing up? Some bodyguard you are."

Ironhide groaned, "What exactly is your job Barricade?" he asked, hoping that Barricade would provide him with enough information to offer a comeback.

Barricade rolled his eyes and pointed towards Wheelie, "Bodyguard" he answered, "Mess with him, you mess with me."

Wheelie smiled, he was finished with his work, "See I told yah, we're like brothers!"

Barricade laughed at Wheelie's statement, surprised by his innocent nature, "Poor mother" he said jokingly, "Having me and then having you, why I'd said that biologically impossible! Let alone extremely painful, I mean look at me and look at you, you're tiny Wheelie, barely even visible to me and yet somehow we're brothers, really?"

Barricade was taking Wheelie's remark too seriously, hurting Wheelie's feeling in more ways than one, for he actually did consider Barricade to be family. Barricade saw Wheelie as nothing more than part of the job.

The reason why Wheelie saw Barricade as a brother was because he had no family to speak of, Megatron and Starscream both abused and ridiculed him, Barricade was the only one who ever saw anything even related to kindness. Barricade swore that it was nothing more than a survival tactic for Wheelie had vital information to the Decepticons, Wheelie will tell you otherwise.

It doesn't matter, for that story is for another time.

Barricade couldn't help but stare at Vance's shoes; he noticed how nice they were, he scanned them and immediately found out that they were from Kohl's and he got them at a bargain price of free, Barricade assumed it was because Vance was the Director of a government facility, if that was the case than Barricade and half of the higher Decepticon generals should get their own palace just for being alive.

To avoid any awkward situations they all went to their respective areas, which meant that Barricade transformed and stayed where he was. Abby, Ziva, Ducky and Vance headed inside the building. Wheelie patiently waited until Vance was inside before following him, just before he entered the building, Wheelie turned around.

"Hey Barricade" Wheelie began

Barricade turned towards Wheelie, saying nothing

"Thanks for doing that. You didn't have to."

Barricade still remained silent

"That's okay" Wheelie continued, "Don't say anything. Just enjoy the moment, alright?"

Barricade huffed, now he was starting to get annoying, Wheelie gave Barricade thumbs up and walked inside the building.


End file.
